Tremors

Yeah, yeah. Greg took a break from this site. But it was brought up in some twitter and i remembered i have one. Lately, life has been shit. Graz won't let me into drama! which is WONDERFUL and stuff. Butttttttt, Mahana is in the class and shit. So that's nice. The whole program is going to shit anyways. I feel like i'm a fool for not seeing what Dylan and JAcob and all them saw in it so long ago, that i'm barely noticing now. i'm like one little thing away from disconnecting myself from drama COMPLETELY. Oh, and as far as those wonderful girls go, i am still just a puppet on a thin thread. I'll listen, i'll pretend, but at the end of the day, she'll change her mind again. I wish i could like douchebags as much as she does. It's funny because i know if i didnt text her, i wouldn't cross her mind. I am pathetic. Anyways, Senior year is SUPPOSED to be cool, so lets hope that happens. I think the tremors in my body make it hard to sleep sometimes, especially since ya know. I stay up all night thinking about these small shake ups in my life. But ya know, fuck me, right?

Tired And Uninspired.

There's something everyone is born with. Some kind of sixth sense that tells them how to live their life. Who raises you is apart of it. And who you wish to become has everything to do with it. You slowly begin a steady uprising in your life that will hopefully someday bring you to such a height that no great distance of air, time and space seems far down enough to kill you if you fall. But eventually, you fall. And you keep falling.
In the eighth grade i spent my year hung up. In "love" as if i could understand such a concept at that age. But it controlled me. I yelled. I crumbled. I fell. And i hit bottom. Such a short drop never killed anyone though. In ninth grade, i think i began what really actually felt like love. Because only a few months ago did it actually go away. It made me drink more. It made me smoke. It made me lose my faith. And it made me change. I promise i hate who i was when i was a "big dog". I promise i hated who i was when i'd miss days of school cuz i was hungover. I hated who i was so much, i, for once in my life, got the will power to make a change. I left everything that changed me behind. I found old relationships and began new ones with all the right people. With thoughts of that girl still eating away at the back of my mind til their was nothing left to nibble on. One day, it just. Left.
I have been slowly climbing upwards since the day eighth grade ended i think. From when i fell. Slowly i have crossed this mountain of memories and thoughts that bring me down and i have become happy. And she, really feels like the one. But our constant quarrels and childish fits is destroying me.
My house feels so empty. My parents are becoming more distant. And my friends all seem to be realizing what they want from life. And i, keep standing still. On top of this peak i've reached. Where does the adventurer climb when theres not a higher mountain? Because everyone i know has found their peak miles above me. The sun is setting on you on top of this mountain. The wind in your hair turns stale. And you've set on me, but you are not the sun.
Everyday i get happy. And everyday i almost cry. Every day i think i know who i am. and everyday i get lost atop this mountain on which i sit. But i think its too much now. Prom turned disastrous for about an hour when i realized i may have wasted months of my life. Accepting defeat in arguments i knew i was right in. Kisses that meant nothing to her. A slow dance i'll never forget. There's this empty chest feeling you grab onto when she tells you that life as you know it might not be working out. And that last tiny shred of hope you had is ripped from you.
But then why does she keep dragging me back? As if i'm clawing at the waters surface hoping to breath in fresh air. But as she sinks, she pulls me down. And then we rise together. And fall. How many times do my friends have to call me an idiot for going back to her? I dont want to give up. My feelings for her are strong. And i never wanna lose her. I cant. I cant imagine life without her. But at this time, i must just sound delirious. Even i read this thinking, "once high school ends. You'll understand".

So i'll swallow my pride. And for the first time since 8th grade i'll shut my mouth and jump. I'll slowly lift my leg and fall from this cliff. And fall. and Fall. And fall. Until hopefully i hit rock bottom and all standards are erased. And i can one day start climbing again and be happy.

Farewell cool mountain breeze and thick atmosphere. I jump from this Ledge tonight.

" i used to be such a burning example. I used to be so original. I used to care i was being cared for. Made sure i showed it to those that i lose. I used to sleep without a single stir. Cuz i was about my fathers work. I used to pray that god was listening. I used to make my parents proud. I was the glue that kept my friends together. Now they dont talk and we dont go out. I used to know the name of every person i kissed. And now i've made this bed and i cant fall asleep in it."

Oh, If i Woke Up next to you

Life is funny, isnt it? How it seems to figure itself out. It trickles down systems of pipes and sewage lines like the drop of leaky faucet water that got away, until finally it lands in its own refreshing pool of water to call home. For the first time in a while, i feel home. :) Things are finally going better with the girl of my dreams :) i can only hope it lasts. I know i never use names but, i really adore Jessica Carbajal :) She makes me happy beyond reason, and to be blunt, if my happiness depended on her smile, i think i'd make it through these nights alright :) PROM is saturday. I have been hesitant, but finally i think i am actually going to have fun. I Don't know, we'll see. But my bets on a good night :) SUMMER IS HERE FOR ME. I finished up and i am officially done at oak knoll, so YEE. Summer School-less summer for me :) RELAXATION. BOOM! I love Veronica Snell btw. I was in a horribly depressed mood all day, then saw her. And she cheered me up as best friends often do. Ya know, your friends can reallybreak you if they tried. You pretend you are okay at times, but your heart can be bended and snapped in two with the world not even knowing. Or maybe, we just believe the world doesnt know. My friend got hurt last night by something another friend did. And i have never seen this person so upset. But like, he went and did something that idk how to feel about it. I know this sounds like gibberish to you, but for those of you who know what i'm talking about, i'm alright. And as ian put it "Greg, if i was you i would have cried!"...i am not crying. haha. So, i'll post something a little more meaningful soon, love you all. <3

the SUNNIER side of truth

so, i got home monday night. I'd felt fine all day, and a primary thought in my mind was, "damn, i already need to buy more cigarettes?". Need being the unlawfully, uneeded word in the sentence. I got home and little things made me lose my breathe. At first, i thought it was nothing. I'll just lay down. That was at midnight. I tossed and turned, trying to breathe all night long. Eventually it hit four in the morning and i realized, i could not breathe. So, i ended up in the emergency room. X-rays, antibiotics, and an oxygen machine for hours. Pumping clean air into my fucked up lungs. The doctor said "It'll be fine in five days if you take this medicine. Good thing you came in when you did." What if i didnt? We all have choices. And smoking as much as i did was definetly a bad choice. the xrays portrayed my lungs filled with this visible, white air. But it wasnt air. It was smoke. The thought of them grosses me out now. For everyone who saw my cigarettes, who told me to slow down, who told me smoking would bite me in the ass, i am sorry for not taking your word. Even though it was only these five days, i have never felt such a horrible, helpless pain in my life. I had panic attacks from too much oxygen, i could have suffocated from SLEEPING incorrectly. And i am 16. What if i hadnt come in?
So, i know i've said this before. But i mean it this time, this blog is documented proof. I am DONE with Drinking and Smoking. I am not against it, but i am afraid of it. Every time i drink and someone says "that fucks up your liver" and i just laugh and keep drinking. What if it happens? Cuz, you laugh when they tell you cigarettes will fuck up your lungs too right? I may drink on occasion. i havnt decided yet. But i am not down to go out and drink every weekend. I am down to be designated driver for my friends. And still go to parties and socialize. But the pain that this last week put on my body and mind, has thrown me into complete fear of waking one morning and not being able to breathe. Hurting. So yeah. There ya go.



p.s. the title implies it, veronica wins.
http://trendstopper.blogspot.com/2009/05/sunny-side-of-truth.html

All this, like a message, comes to shift my point of view. So much is happening right now, i don't know what i should think, say or do anymore. There is definitely a light that is blinding us all. Slowly, but surely it rises in the morning with the, compared to this light, dull and lonely sun. i drive around aimlessly sometimes. Watching the world turn at its pace. Its almost unfathomable, how much you can see in a single glimpse. How many lives have gone through the world. Everything you see has been created by someone, patented by someone, purchased by another. Everyone uses this immortal, blinding light to guide themselves through life. But...Lately, i've been watching through my own light, as it tints the shade of you.
This is life, and this is who we need to be. We need to hide ourselves from anything willing to break us down or tear us apart.
and i know, in the end. i will always have friends there for me.
i just hope some day, your night in shining armor will save you.


goodnite.

The ol' "Falling Down a Well " Dream

Few things, first of all. Thank God for Emily Parks. I would just like to say that above any of my other friends, right now, she's been the most caring and understanding person there for me. And i don't know what i'd do without her. And to Danny, Amanda, and Lori, thank you for being there to laugh at my not funny jokes. Turnquist, we are WC's. Which makes me happy. and Mattsign, you are under rated. That was just a few thank you's on my long list. Anyways.

Topic.
For centuries the butterflies that lay dormant in our stomachs have been able to flutter as vibrantly as ever with the voice of the person you "love". And for the longest time, those butterflies have woken up every time i hear her voice. Or see her. But, should it work this way? I mean she makes me feel like shit. i hear the things she says about me, and her constant unwillingness to see me. it just doesnt make sense. The butterflies might be broken.

I feel empty still. No sign of this road ending. But you know, eventually someone will be standing on it, wandering as aimlessly as i do. Thinking "he's got it all wrong, we're walking away, not TOWARDS something".

goodnite.

Welcome to The Fallout.

There's a scent in the air, maybe unnoticeable at first, but it's there. I'm begginning to fall in love all over again. I'm begginning to give up on finding myself. I keep feeling like something bad is coming, but maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me. All my life, i have heard the question, "What is your biggest fear?". And all my life, i haven't known. But sitting in this chair, staring at this wall, being let down through one text message and brightened up by another, i think i know. My mom will scream and i'll think it's my fault, but she wont enter the room. Did i hear a scream at all? My teacher says "better hurry up, or you'll end up at Arrow next year." But, my papers say i'm ahead in credits. i draw alot more now. I've been doing drawings for the local bands around here lately. And people like them. I went to the mall with all my friends yesterday. We laughed 98% of the time. I love my friends, but i dont think they love me. I finally got her back into my life...now i dont know if i want her. I'll sleep all day, and still be tired. I'm thinking of something to do, with a whole list of options in front of me. Instead. i sit and stare at my wall. Another text, who is it? That adorable girl. She gets more perfect in my eyes with every word she says. We've been closer lately too. Another text, she lets me down...again. Maybe i'll go visit charter oak. I get alot of "Why are you here?"'s. To be honest, i want to ask them the same question. What has this school done for you? I have more credits and more freedom than half of you. Why are YOU here? Then i remember. I see a close friend that i see every day and i get happier than i used to. I dont see him for as long every day. Not as long as i used to. I remind myself of domefest, then that girl. Then everyone in my car is laughing. Another text, it's only twitter. Where am i going? "Clean your room" my mom says. "okay," i say. It's still sitting dirty behind me. I watch movies i see everyday over and over again. New movies though, i cant get an hour into anymore. Where are my friends? What are they doing?
I'm going to write this blog, or, i've already written it. I want to cheer up. What can cheer me up? I'm going to the gym tonight. i go twice a day now. Pretty over not being as healthy as i should be. All these songs are redundant. I want something new. what am i supposed to do?!?! i feel empty again. maybe its fear? Oh yeah, "Greg. What's Your biggest fear?"
"This."








I'm terribly frightened of going insane. My greatest fear is what i feel myself becoming. Unusual. Insane. Not right.

I don't want to be crazy.