Oh, If i Woke Up next to you

Life is funny, isnt it? How it seems to figure itself out. It trickles down systems of pipes and sewage lines like the drop of leaky faucet water that got away, until finally it lands in its own refreshing pool of water to call home. For the first time in a while, i feel home. :) Things are finally going better with the girl of my dreams :) i can only hope it lasts. I know i never use names but, i really adore Jessica Carbajal :) She makes me happy beyond reason, and to be blunt, if my happiness depended on her smile, i think i'd make it through these nights alright :) PROM is saturday. I have been hesitant, but finally i think i am actually going to have fun. I Don't know, we'll see. But my bets on a good night :) SUMMER IS HERE FOR ME. I finished up and i am officially done at oak knoll, so YEE. Summer School-less summer for me :) RELAXATION. BOOM! I love Veronica Snell btw. I was in a horribly depressed mood all day, then saw her. And she cheered me up as best friends often do. Ya know, your friends can reallybreak you if they tried. You pretend you are okay at times, but your heart can be bended and snapped in two with the world not even knowing. Or maybe, we just believe the world doesnt know. My friend got hurt last night by something another friend did. And i have never seen this person so upset. But like, he went and did something that idk how to feel about it. I know this sounds like gibberish to you, but for those of you who know what i'm talking about, i'm alright. And as ian put it "Greg, if i was you i would have cried!"...i am not crying. haha. So, i'll post something a little more meaningful soon, love you all. <3

the SUNNIER side of truth

so, i got home monday night. I'd felt fine all day, and a primary thought in my mind was, "damn, i already need to buy more cigarettes?". Need being the unlawfully, uneeded word in the sentence. I got home and little things made me lose my breathe. At first, i thought it was nothing. I'll just lay down. That was at midnight. I tossed and turned, trying to breathe all night long. Eventually it hit four in the morning and i realized, i could not breathe. So, i ended up in the emergency room. X-rays, antibiotics, and an oxygen machine for hours. Pumping clean air into my fucked up lungs. The doctor said "It'll be fine in five days if you take this medicine. Good thing you came in when you did." What if i didnt? We all have choices. And smoking as much as i did was definetly a bad choice. the xrays portrayed my lungs filled with this visible, white air. But it wasnt air. It was smoke. The thought of them grosses me out now. For everyone who saw my cigarettes, who told me to slow down, who told me smoking would bite me in the ass, i am sorry for not taking your word. Even though it was only these five days, i have never felt such a horrible, helpless pain in my life. I had panic attacks from too much oxygen, i could have suffocated from SLEEPING incorrectly. And i am 16. What if i hadnt come in?
So, i know i've said this before. But i mean it this time, this blog is documented proof. I am DONE with Drinking and Smoking. I am not against it, but i am afraid of it. Every time i drink and someone says "that fucks up your liver" and i just laugh and keep drinking. What if it happens? Cuz, you laugh when they tell you cigarettes will fuck up your lungs too right? I may drink on occasion. i havnt decided yet. But i am not down to go out and drink every weekend. I am down to be designated driver for my friends. And still go to parties and socialize. But the pain that this last week put on my body and mind, has thrown me into complete fear of waking one morning and not being able to breathe. Hurting. So yeah. There ya go.



p.s. the title implies it, veronica wins.
http://trendstopper.blogspot.com/2009/05/sunny-side-of-truth.html

All this, like a message, comes to shift my point of view. So much is happening right now, i don't know what i should think, say or do anymore. There is definitely a light that is blinding us all. Slowly, but surely it rises in the morning with the, compared to this light, dull and lonely sun. i drive around aimlessly sometimes. Watching the world turn at its pace. Its almost unfathomable, how much you can see in a single glimpse. How many lives have gone through the world. Everything you see has been created by someone, patented by someone, purchased by another. Everyone uses this immortal, blinding light to guide themselves through life. But...Lately, i've been watching through my own light, as it tints the shade of you.
This is life, and this is who we need to be. We need to hide ourselves from anything willing to break us down or tear us apart.
and i know, in the end. i will always have friends there for me.
i just hope some day, your night in shining armor will save you.


goodnite.

The ol' "Falling Down a Well " Dream

Few things, first of all. Thank God for Emily Parks. I would just like to say that above any of my other friends, right now, she's been the most caring and understanding person there for me. And i don't know what i'd do without her. And to Danny, Amanda, and Lori, thank you for being there to laugh at my not funny jokes. Turnquist, we are WC's. Which makes me happy. and Mattsign, you are under rated. That was just a few thank you's on my long list. Anyways.

Topic.
For centuries the butterflies that lay dormant in our stomachs have been able to flutter as vibrantly as ever with the voice of the person you "love". And for the longest time, those butterflies have woken up every time i hear her voice. Or see her. But, should it work this way? I mean she makes me feel like shit. i hear the things she says about me, and her constant unwillingness to see me. it just doesnt make sense. The butterflies might be broken.

I feel empty still. No sign of this road ending. But you know, eventually someone will be standing on it, wandering as aimlessly as i do. Thinking "he's got it all wrong, we're walking away, not TOWARDS something".

goodnite.