Welcome to The Fallout.

There's a scent in the air, maybe unnoticeable at first, but it's there. I'm begginning to fall in love all over again. I'm begginning to give up on finding myself. I keep feeling like something bad is coming, but maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me. All my life, i have heard the question, "What is your biggest fear?". And all my life, i haven't known. But sitting in this chair, staring at this wall, being let down through one text message and brightened up by another, i think i know. My mom will scream and i'll think it's my fault, but she wont enter the room. Did i hear a scream at all? My teacher says "better hurry up, or you'll end up at Arrow next year." But, my papers say i'm ahead in credits. i draw alot more now. I've been doing drawings for the local bands around here lately. And people like them. I went to the mall with all my friends yesterday. We laughed 98% of the time. I love my friends, but i dont think they love me. I finally got her back into my life...now i dont know if i want her. I'll sleep all day, and still be tired. I'm thinking of something to do, with a whole list of options in front of me. Instead. i sit and stare at my wall. Another text, who is it? That adorable girl. She gets more perfect in my eyes with every word she says. We've been closer lately too. Another text, she lets me down...again. Maybe i'll go visit charter oak. I get alot of "Why are you here?"'s. To be honest, i want to ask them the same question. What has this school done for you? I have more credits and more freedom than half of you. Why are YOU here? Then i remember. I see a close friend that i see every day and i get happier than i used to. I dont see him for as long every day. Not as long as i used to. I remind myself of domefest, then that girl. Then everyone in my car is laughing. Another text, it's only twitter. Where am i going? "Clean your room" my mom says. "okay," i say. It's still sitting dirty behind me. I watch movies i see everyday over and over again. New movies though, i cant get an hour into anymore. Where are my friends? What are they doing?
I'm going to write this blog, or, i've already written it. I want to cheer up. What can cheer me up? I'm going to the gym tonight. i go twice a day now. Pretty over not being as healthy as i should be. All these songs are redundant. I want something new. what am i supposed to do?!?! i feel empty again. maybe its fear? Oh yeah, "Greg. What's Your biggest fear?"
"This."








I'm terribly frightened of going insane. My greatest fear is what i feel myself becoming. Unusual. Insane. Not right.

I don't want to be crazy.

Well here we go.

so, alot of people have been asking me about me and someone. if were friends again. and idk anymore...but. i have something to say. i've only told a couple this. but...she was the reason i left. I'll swallow my pride and admit to being afraid. Of another person. I left Charter Oak High School for a few reasons, but all were quite miniscule to the fact that i couldnt recover from what we went through seeing her everyday at lunch. Smiling and ignoring my presence. i wouldve never gotten better had i stayed. And i regret leaving charter oak every day of my life...I'm so afraid i will fall again. Down the same hole. With someone else, or. Just.

life wont get easy before it gets better. i learned that.

Walk On Water Or Drown.

i miss her. alot. I miss seeing her. she looked so cute tonight. fuck.
anyways,

i hear people complain about being grounded
about the thing sthey cant do for a week
the people they wont see after school daily.
who the fuck are these people fooling?
IF their parents dont crack, its a measily weak. meanwhile there are people dying to escape reality. I miss the plaza. and summer 07. dont get me wrong, theres nothing with the life im living now. but everyone just had fun back then. there werent these restrictions.
idk, I'm looking to the sky to count the stars, i wonder if you see them where you are :/

i need to choose. am i happy or sad? i cannot pick lately. i hope happy.

I want you all to bury your face in your favorite book, draw a picture, sing a song, write lyrics, film a five minute movie, learn a dance. do anything to escape reality...even for just a moment.

Melancholy and The Infinite Sadness.

We are the sons and daughters of a revolution, revolutionaries walking us out of oppression and into a no-low promise land. And this leaves us with a great sense of sadness dwelling inside our soul. No one can explain where its' coming from or where its taking us. We just know that something is lost, but somehow we are lost, lost. And this, my friend, is the Great Depression.

I feel this immense, emptiness. Like i'm living my life lesser than i should be. I feel like everything i should be doing is waiting for me, like i can't catch up. You watch teenagers become who they will be for the rest of their lives. Some, get sent away for doing tedius, but dumb, things. They will be the men and women we watch be put to death, if they dont do something to save themselves soon. Others, grow tired of life by a mere 16 years old. Who knows how long they'll last outside the walls of high school.

i like my life. i am content with who i am. i just feel like i could change things. I feel like i could be doing so much more. But nowadays i have so little effort, it seems useless.

I have to beat the infinite sadness that claims so many lives.
i have to become my own human.
i cant let this growing heartache take my life.

Things will change. i promise.
die. young. and. save. yourself.

The Deal.

The Simplicity of a Television Set is almost at perplexing to me as the complexity of a Computer. But all these things, they just take buttons. Were still far behind on what we can create, computers suck to try and have to fix. But a Television. If you were to ask a Man that's "in the business" how hard it'd be to make a new TV, he'd probably answer with "that's pretty simple"...But i can't build one. Does that make me behind?
Anyways, that girl. Her eyes shine when i look at her :] But i don't think they shine for me :/ I see them brighter though. And that's all that counts. She's gorgeous. And funny. and. gah. ANYWAYS.

So here's the deal. I need to do something with me life.

This is Your Life, Is it Who You Want to Be?

I am so content with my life at long last. I talked to my mom today. I told her everything. I todl her i drink, but i dont smoke. I told her i'm safe, and if i'm driving i wont drink. i told her i dont hate her, that i love her. And i told her all i want is for me and her to be friends. Because this house seems haunted sometimes. She seemed upset. And i just walked away upset. And an hour later, she calls me back in the room. "At your age. I did every drug you can think of. And i've been scared you were too." and we hugged. "But if i ever find out you drive home drunk, i'll kill you". So i think were okay. Idk, i wanna build off of this. Maybe see a movie with her. I want to be able to laugh with my mom. Anyways, i got a beautiful, amazing prom date :]]] And my family seems proud of me! AND TOMMOROW I MIGHT GET A JOB. And in the car right now, i dropped my friend, well. Idk. Can i call her that? I dropped this girl off and she thanked me for something i did out of reflex earlier. Like, something i did cuz i knew it was right. and i think i realized when she said thank you...
i really have grown up.
And i really do like who i am. :]

I'm Proud of Who I am.

So, i have been thinking. Every day i sit in this chair, or lay in that bed, and think. "They have no idea". I hate not being who i am. I hate my parents KNOWING they dont know who i am. I see kidsl ie to their parents, and mumble how they hate them. But when it comes down to it. I love my parents. And well, Chance treats his mother with more respect with anyone i've ever met. And she knows what he does on the weekends. Even if it gets me grounded, i wanna be my own person. I want them to understand. I want to connect with the two people i owe everything to. Because, maybe if i explain that part of my life consists of drinking, and parties, and girls, i can explain easier that its not everything. i can point out i dont smoke weed, cant i? I can point out that i have always held my alcohol. And never done anything too rash. I'm just, i'm tired of not being who i am to everyone. I love my life. But at home, i feel like i need to escape. I'm not expecting to them to say its good that i drink. But ya know, they will understand some things possibly. Idk, i might not do it.
but i am so close to just being like, Mom. We gotta talk.

If i do this, it will take every bit of bravery i can ever muster up.

I Can't Seem to Shake This Awful Feeling.

Days are Just Days. No Friday. No Saturday. No midnight, or morning time. Days just run on now that i left charter oak. I love my life. I love my friends. I love what im able to experience. But fuck, what is this leading to? Summer? A Vacation? Aren't i ON one of those? Girls are just becoming confusing. My friends make sense. Or, to me they do. Alot of people dont get it either. "Your Friends are SO DUMB". Maybe if they like, saw everything we've gone through my eyes, and felt what we've gone through then they'd understand. YEah, they're PRETTY ridiculous sometimes. But i've never seen a group of friends so hard to break down as mine. You got passion, kid. <--I Wrote a song called that. Blahhhh. I wish people would stop arguing. I am genuinally happy nowadays. There are things i wish i could fix. But ya know, they'll fix themselves justl ike all my pathetic shit fixed itself. I've learned to not be so materialistic. U've learned a good nap, my hooka, my friends, and a good movie on tv can get me through the day. I dont need the latest anything. Video games are getting overrated to me. Its like, you spend good money on them. Play them and then beat them. "Whats next?"....Then again the same thing can be said about life, right?




Take me Back here.....

Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner.

Oh god, so much to update on. Haven't been on in a long time cuz of Domefest. To clear things up, Domefest 2009 has been planned since like december of 2008. Paden's parents went to Brazil, and his hous ewas empty ALL of spring break. So naturally we all went and got drunk and had alot of fun. I swear, my closest friends showed me who really cares this last week. Everyone was themselves. Everyone, even the previously known "edge kids" we hang out with let loose. It was amazing. It felt like 7 full days of Fourth of July last year. Ian couldnt go, which left this remarkable impression of emptiness in some areas of the day. But for the most part, i had fun. Check out the labum of myspace, its almost completely documented in there. Haha.
So, one. This is two anonymous people. But please fucking grow up. Dylan is right as much as i know you deny. I'd give anything to fall in love the way you did. To know theres always going to be someone. And you spend your time with that someone fighting? You are both to blame. You both did things wrong, but fuck. You did things right too, so your not completely fucked up. Just fucking talk. To each other. Not to your friends who want you all to not be together. Because i realized this week i hate like 80% of the dumb bitches i know. I swear to god, LIVE YOUR LIFE. You cannot put your happiness into another person. It doesnt work that way.
Also, Thursday Night (Round Three of Domefest), was a crucial night for my "growing up stage". You see, i wont say names. But i got really drunk with like one of my best friends. And we kissed, to my remembrance, we kissed multiple times. And as wierd as it was, its okay because this girl is so sweet that i know it really couldnt dent our friendship. So thats water under the bridge. But because of that kiss, i got defensive. I swear to god some guy was like, looking to fuck her and never speak to her again. I was abnout ready to kill him if he touched her. Then i took chance home, and when i got back. I found out he did touch her. And i kicked them out. Cody said "Yeah, i was the only one awake, You had balls threatening those 20 year old dudes like you did. I thought you were gonna fuckin kill them". And for some reason, the next day. They showed up again. And all my friends were like, "Greg, just be peaceful". And its like. Fuck No. They dont get it. They're all trying to justify what that guy did. But no one saw the glossy look in her eyes when she told me what he did. Nobody else saw her cry, and frankly. Nobody puts baby in the Corner.
The guy came up the next night, held out his hang and apologized. And a gut feeling told me, "no. Dont" so i didnt shake his hand. He hurt my friend. And i had JUST promised her a few nights before i will always be there to defend her from the horrid male population. Well, looks like i was right. Cuz someone else got drunk and he tried to do it again. Thank god Turnquist was there.
You cannot take advantage at Parties. No amount of alcohol should whisper in your ear to touch a sleeping girl. If your sober, take ten feet back from my drunk friends.
I dont know, i think that just taught me something about myself. I think i know that sober, or drunk, i will always be there for my friends when they need me. And that feels good.

btw, the guy was sober. And she was unconsiouce.
in case your like my friends and want to see where hes coming from.
if you know what happenned and were there, and tell me that he was justified.
Your no friend.

Anyways, its easter. I miss ian. BALLS.
lates! :D