Tired And Uninspired.

There's something everyone is born with. Some kind of sixth sense that tells them how to live their life. Who raises you is apart of it. And who you wish to become has everything to do with it. You slowly begin a steady uprising in your life that will hopefully someday bring you to such a height that no great distance of air, time and space seems far down enough to kill you if you fall. But eventually, you fall. And you keep falling.
In the eighth grade i spent my year hung up. In "love" as if i could understand such a concept at that age. But it controlled me. I yelled. I crumbled. I fell. And i hit bottom. Such a short drop never killed anyone though. In ninth grade, i think i began what really actually felt like love. Because only a few months ago did it actually go away. It made me drink more. It made me smoke. It made me lose my faith. And it made me change. I promise i hate who i was when i was a "big dog". I promise i hated who i was when i'd miss days of school cuz i was hungover. I hated who i was so much, i, for once in my life, got the will power to make a change. I left everything that changed me behind. I found old relationships and began new ones with all the right people. With thoughts of that girl still eating away at the back of my mind til their was nothing left to nibble on. One day, it just. Left.
I have been slowly climbing upwards since the day eighth grade ended i think. From when i fell. Slowly i have crossed this mountain of memories and thoughts that bring me down and i have become happy. And she, really feels like the one. But our constant quarrels and childish fits is destroying me.
My house feels so empty. My parents are becoming more distant. And my friends all seem to be realizing what they want from life. And i, keep standing still. On top of this peak i've reached. Where does the adventurer climb when theres not a higher mountain? Because everyone i know has found their peak miles above me. The sun is setting on you on top of this mountain. The wind in your hair turns stale. And you've set on me, but you are not the sun.
Everyday i get happy. And everyday i almost cry. Every day i think i know who i am. and everyday i get lost atop this mountain on which i sit. But i think its too much now. Prom turned disastrous for about an hour when i realized i may have wasted months of my life. Accepting defeat in arguments i knew i was right in. Kisses that meant nothing to her. A slow dance i'll never forget. There's this empty chest feeling you grab onto when she tells you that life as you know it might not be working out. And that last tiny shred of hope you had is ripped from you.
But then why does she keep dragging me back? As if i'm clawing at the waters surface hoping to breath in fresh air. But as she sinks, she pulls me down. And then we rise together. And fall. How many times do my friends have to call me an idiot for going back to her? I dont want to give up. My feelings for her are strong. And i never wanna lose her. I cant. I cant imagine life without her. But at this time, i must just sound delirious. Even i read this thinking, "once high school ends. You'll understand".

So i'll swallow my pride. And for the first time since 8th grade i'll shut my mouth and jump. I'll slowly lift my leg and fall from this cliff. And fall. and Fall. And fall. Until hopefully i hit rock bottom and all standards are erased. And i can one day start climbing again and be happy.

Farewell cool mountain breeze and thick atmosphere. I jump from this Ledge tonight.

" i used to be such a burning example. I used to be so original. I used to care i was being cared for. Made sure i showed it to those that i lose. I used to sleep without a single stir. Cuz i was about my fathers work. I used to pray that god was listening. I used to make my parents proud. I was the glue that kept my friends together. Now they dont talk and we dont go out. I used to know the name of every person i kissed. And now i've made this bed and i cant fall asleep in it."